Rainy Day Suggestions

by juli boggs

Sometimes you just need to lock yourself alone in your apartment, shaking and sobbing for a few days with nothing but quesadillas and beer to keep you company. You may take a cup of coffee from time to time in an attempt to pull yourself together, but this will only dehydrate you further as you consider drowning yourself in the claw-foot bathtub.

When true disaster strikes one must maintain a sense of humor, even if you’ve lost all composure, pride, hope, joy, “trust, loyalty, niceness.”¹

These feeling of sadness and loss are just a natural vicissitude of life and should be taken in stride as nothing more than a “rough patch”. Times will pass, things will change, and eventually you’ll be on the upswing towards your old cheery self again. Maintaining some perspective until this time comes is important, but in the meantime, here are some of my tried and true suggestions for getting through the dark, cold, lonely betrayal of winter.

Allow yourself one nice, cleansing cry
Take a hot bath
Go for a long run or bike ride
Throw a brick through a storefront window
Drink till you pass out
Steal a stranger’s credit card and go shopping for house wares
Shave your head and take up smoking
Set fire to dumpsters
Insult the only people left to defend you
Experiment with intravenous drugs
Shoplift lipstick and hand cremes from Whole Foods
Evade suspicious questions by calling yourself a “social drinker”
Read the Myth of Sisyphus
Write intensely tormented letters to old friends and store them up in a shoebox beside your bed so you can take them out and read them from time to time, just to keep wounds fresh

I also have a list of rainy-day do not’s:
Do not eat anything that is not potatoes, cheese, or sugar
Do not wear underpants to work
Do not drink coffee after 8 pm or you will toss and turn with thoughts of your miserable life until 4 in the morning

If you have any suggestions in this vein, I would be happy to add them to the list.

¹The Adventures of Pete and Pete, “Das Bus”